We Care (Un)Equally: Why Is Care Work Still Seen as Women’s Responsibility?

Ieva: Hello everyone, and welcome back to the podcast We Care (Un)Equally, where we explore the themes of the international Caredizo project: gender equality and the sharing of care responsibilities.

I’m Ieva, and today I’m joined by our project partner and colleague, Rugilė Zmitrevičiūtė. Welcome, Rugilė. Let’s start with a simple question—could you briefly introduce yourself to our listeners?

Rugilė: Of course. I work with people who have experienced sexual violence and domestic violence, providing counselling and support. Although, in reality, the majority of our clients are women.

I also work as a trainer and educator. Most often, I visit schools and youth centres, where I talk with young people about healthy relationships, respect, and equality.

Ieva: Today we’ll definitely touch on all aspects of your work—from supporting survivors to your educational activities. But first, I’d like to start with the Caredizo project, because you’re one of the key people involved in implementing it.

How has this project helped you better understand the challenges surrounding the division of care responsibilities? We know these issues exist, but I’m curious what new insights you gained through the project.

Rugilė: Probably the most striking thing I noticed was the difference between how women and men perceive the division of care and household responsibilities within families.

During our research, we surveyed both women and men and asked them how they evaluate their own contribution. Women were more likely to say that they carry most of the care and household workload. Meanwhile, many men felt that responsibilities were shared fairly equally or that they themselves contributed a significant amount.

I found this difference in perception fascinating. It raises the question of who is overestimating their contribution and who might be underestimating it. However, when we look at broader research and time-use data, it becomes clear that women spend considerably more time on care work. So it seems that men often assess their contribution somewhat more optimistically.

Another important insight for me was the role of employers. Since a large part of the project focuses on workplaces, it became very clear that employers have significant power when it comes to shaping organisational culture.

They can create environments that encourage a more equal sharing of care responsibilities, support employees in balancing work and personal life, and take into account people’s caregiving duties—whether that’s raising children, caring for relatives with disabilities, or supporting elderly family members.

It was very interesting to see just how much responsibility—and how much potential for change—employers actually have.

Ieva: Did the project’s findings change your perspective in any way? Before the project, did you perhaps view the situation more optimistically—or maybe more pessimistically?

Rugilė: I would say the results largely confirmed what I had already suspected.

What pleasantly surprised me, however, was that many people clearly understand the reasons behind the unequal distribution of care work. In our research, social norms, traditions, and established gender roles were frequently identified as key factors.

It was encouraging to see that people recognize these influences. In other words, things that were normalized for a long time are increasingly being acknowledged as problems that need to be addressed.

Ieva: I keep thinking about something a participant said during one of our project trainings after hearing the research findings: „It’s upsetting, but it’s not surprising.”

I think that sums it up quite well. Many of us already see this reality in our everyday lives, and the research simply confirms what we observe.

We’ve already touched on social norms and traditional gender roles. In your opinion, how do gender stereotypes contribute to the unequal distribution of care responsibilities?

Because we’re not talking only about childcare. We’re also talking about caring for elderly relatives, managing household tasks, looking after pets, and countless other everyday responsibilities. How do stereotypes help maintain this inequality?

Rugilė: They definitely play a major role.

From an early age, girls often receive very different messages than boys. If a girl’s room is messy or she doesn’t know how to do certain household tasks, she’s often criticized more harshly or receives more attention for it.

These messages create the impression that women are responsible for maintaining the home, preparing meals, and ensuring the overall well-being of the family. It’s almost treated as a measure of their worth.

There is still a widespread belief that women should take care of household duties, cook, and be the primary caregivers for children. If they don’t—or if they share those responsibilities equally with their partner—they are often judged as mothers or as women.

Meanwhile, expectations for men in this area are frequently much lower. Sometimes even minimal involvement is enough for them to be praised as exceptional fathers.

Even the phrase „helping his wife with the children” says a lot about our attitudes. A father isn’t helping raise his own children—he is raising them.

At the same time, men face stereotypes too. If they want to be more involved in childcare or take longer parental leave, they may be questioned about why they are doing it instead of their partner.

Sometimes the desire to be an active father is even seen as a sign of reduced masculinity. But to me, it’s exactly the opposite. Being a caring, engaged father is one of the most admirable expressions of masculinity.

Ieva: You’ve touched on so many interesting points. I’d like to go back even further—to childhood.

From a very young age, we’re surrounded by highly gendered toys: dolls, toy kitchens, miniature vacuum cleaners, toy irons. All of these send a message that caring for others and taking care of the home is primarily a woman’s responsibility.

We often hear the argument that women are simply naturally more caring. What do you think? How much of this is nature, and how much is learned behaviour?

Rugilė: I still tend to believe that this is largely something we learn through socialization.

Many of the traits we consider “feminine” or “masculine” are actually shaped by expectations and the way we are raised.

Women are often encouraged to be gentle, caring, and patient. When they are not, they tend to face more criticism. Men, on the other hand, receive very different messages about how they are expected to behave.

But that does not mean men are incapable of being sensitive, empathetic, or excellent caregivers to children, animals, or loved ones. Quite the opposite—they are just as capable.

I believe that personality, individual character traits, and the ability to develop empathy play a much greater role than biological sex.

That is why I do not think women are born knowing how to care for others while men are not. Rather, these are skills and behaviours that we learn while growing up in society.

Ieva: I often say that you cannot know who a person is simply by looking at them.

We cannot see someone and immediately think, “Oh, that’s a man, so he probably isn’t good at caregiving,” or “That’s a woman, so she must be caring and attentive.”

I strongly believe that many things are learned and that a great deal depends on how we raise children.

But you also mentioned another important aspect: different standards and expectations.

Sometimes it feels like a father only has to be photographed pushing a stroller to be labelled “Father of the Year.”

Another important aspect is the financial one. There is still a strong stereotype that men are responsible for financially providing for the family, and therefore their primary duty is paid work. As a result, there is often an assumption that if a man earns money, he does not need to contribute as much to household responsibilities.

Rugilė: Yes, absolutely.

I often wonder how many families there actually are where a woman spends her entire life solely as a homemaker and never has any kind of professional activity.

From my own professional experience—both working with clients and supporting women who have experienced violence—I see a very different reality. Even when women are not working a traditional nine-to-five job, they are often creating businesses, developing projects, or finding other ways to pursue their interests and goals.

I rarely meet women who do absolutely no work at all.

At the same time, being a homemaker is work. And often very demanding work. It includes countless roles—from nanny and teacher to caregiver and household manager. This is especially true when caring for young children, which can easily become a twenty-four-hour-a-day responsibility.

What I find difficult to accept is the argument that financial contribution alone automatically justifies a lower level of involvement in family life.

Sometimes people say, “I work, I provide for the family, therefore I contribute enough.”

But then a very simple question arises: would that person not work if they did not have a family? They would still need to earn a living, meet their own needs, and build a life for themselves.

Of course, having a family often means greater responsibilities and higher expenses. But a woman who stays home with children frequently sacrifices a great deal—sometimes even more than the person who simply goes to a job they would be doing anyway.

Ieva: Exactly. Most people would need to work and earn a living regardless of whether they had children or not.

Since our project places considerable emphasis on educating employers, I would like to return to their role.

You mentioned earlier that some employers are still reluctant to encourage fathers to take parental leave. Even today, people often hear questions such as, “Where is your wife?” or “Why isn’t your partner staying home with the child?”

How important do you think it is to raise awareness not only within society in general, but also among employers, who have significant power either to support or discourage people from becoming more actively involved in caregiving responsibilities?

Rugilė: I think employers play a very important role.

In many ways, I see a parallel with the role of the state. Governments shape social norms from the top down through policies and legislation that communicate what is considered normal, acceptable, and desirable.

For example, non-transferable parental leave reserved for fathers sends a very clear message: men’s involvement in childcare is important, normal, and necessary.

At first, these kinds of changes often face resistance. But over time they become a natural part of everyday life.

If government policy worked in the opposite way and assumed that only women should care for children, it would be much harder for us even to imagine men as equal caregivers.

Employers function in a similar way. Through their decisions, communication, and organisational culture, they shape what is considered acceptable within a workplace.

And these messages do not stay inside the organisation. Employees take them home, share them with friends and family, and discuss them with people working elsewhere. In this way, broader social change gradually takes place.

That is why it matters greatly what kind of message employees hear from their employers and what kinds of behaviours are encouraged and supported.

Ieva: As the saying goes, good examples are contagious.

When one organisation adopts family-friendly practices and actively supports a more equal sharing of care responsibilities, it not only strengthens its reputation as a socially responsible employer but can also inspire other organisations to follow the same path.

Speaking of good examples, I have a bit of an advantage because I know a little more about your everyday life than our listeners do.

Could you tell us how you and your partner share household and care responsibilities at home?

Rugilė: First of all, I should mention that we do not have children yet.

But care responsibilities do not begin and end with children. Everyone has household responsibilities, and somehow they have to be shared.

In that respect, I have been very fortunate. I grew up surrounded by wonderful men, and my partner is also a great example of someone who does not shy away from taking responsibility at home.

He is an excellent cook, so we often do many things together. If one of us is cooking dinner, the other is washing dishes, chopping vegetables, or tidying up the kitchen.

It feels like we follow a very simple rule: nobody sits on the sofa while the other person is working.

The same applies to cleaning. One person might take care of one room while the other handles another, or we divide different tasks between us. It all happens very naturally.

Throughout our relationship, I have never really had any complaints in this area because we have found a balance that works for us.

I think my family also played a role in shaping that perspective. My father was very involved in raising children. When I was little, he often took me out in a stroller, and at that time many people considered that unusual.

Today it is encouraging to see that fathers pushing strollers no longer attract the same level of surprise. Although their involvement is still often praised far more enthusiastically than women’s, things are definitely changing.

I grew up seeing that a man can care for children, cook meals, do household chores, and at the same time handle all the tasks traditionally labelled as “men’s work.”

I think that helped me understand that caregiving is neither a female privilege nor a female obligation—it is simply a human responsibility.

What about you, Ieva? Do you have any good examples or stories from your own experience?

Ieva: I definitely have a good example.

Sometimes we joke that feminists end up choosing the best men. And honestly, I think a lot of it starts in childhood. My father was also someone who loved to cook and was very actively involved in family life.

It seems that having fathers who don’t necessarily fit traditional gender stereotypes teaches you something very important—that men like that exist, and that it’s possible to look for a partner who is a true partner.

And I don’t even want to say „helps.” A partner doesn’t help—they share responsibilities. I really liked the way you described your relationship, where you take care of things together. Our relationship is very similar.

We don’t think of tasks as men’s work or women’s work, because chores don’t have a gender. One day I might cook dinner, the next day he might. If I’m extremely busy with work one week and barely have time for anything else, that doesn’t mean the house suddenly runs out of food, the laundry stops getting done, or everyday life comes to a halt.

That kind of partnership is incredibly supportive and empowering because you know you’re not alone.

I hope it encourages people to look for partners who aren’t afraid to take responsibility regardless of gender and who are open to learning. After all, none of us are born knowing everything. We don’t all grow up with the same skills.

When I first started dating my partner, he probably knew how to cook three meals. Now that he’s discovered a passion for cooking, he prepares so many great dishes that I actually experiment in the kitchen much less than I used to.

That’s why I think the willingness to learn is so important.

An equal partnership doesn’t mean keeping score of how many hours each person spent doing a particular task or who completed more chores. It means looking at the situation realistically. Understanding when one person has more time, when the other is busier, and simply knowing that certain things need to get done.

If one person can’t do something, then the other does it. That’s all.

After all, you’re not going to spend a month without clean underwear just because it technically wasn’t your turn to do the laundry.

There is certainly a lot of care work to do, but it’s much easier when it’s shared. And when a family grows and children enter the picture, sharing responsibilities becomes even more important.

We still encounter attitudes suggesting that, for example, only men should take out the trash or that women shouldn’t even touch certain tasks. To me, those ideas simply don’t make sense anymore.

A strong partnership and healthy relationships are some of the most important foundations for building a family. They are an investment in the future.

And speaking of the future, one of the major discussions taking place in Lithuania today revolves around the demographic crisis and declining birth rates.

How closely do you think care responsibilities and gender stereotypes are connected to low birth rates?

Rugilė: Coincidentally, I was reading political scientist Mažvydas Jastramskis’ reflections on the demographic crisis earlier today. And honestly, after reading work like that, it almost feels risky to make definitive statements, because the more you read and learn about the topic, the more you realize just how complex and multifaceted it is.

Birth rates are declining almost everywhere—not only in Lithuania, not only in Europe or the West, but across much of the world.

One thing that really surprised me was learning that birth rates are also declining rapidly in Latin America. We often imagine the situation there to be very different, but similar changes are happening there as well.

So there is no single explanation.

There are countless theories, ranging from economic factors and political uncertainty to technological developments, social media, and changing life priorities.

We live in a world where we can see many different ways of living and countless possibilities for shaping our lives. Naturally, more and more people ask themselves: why should I choose this particular path?

At the same time, gender inequality may certainly be one part of the answer.

As women become more economically independent and gain greater freedom of choice, they naturally begin asking: why should I take on the equivalent of three or four full-time jobs at once?

And I’m not talking only about paid employment. On top of that come household responsibilities, childcare, and the invisible organisational work—scheduling doctor’s appointments, buying gifts, planning holidays, maintaining family traditions.

Much of this work happens inside someone’s head and often goes completely unnoticed.

Sometimes it feels as though without mothers there would be no Christmas, no Easter celebrations, no family holidays, and no family traditions at all.

So it is understandable that some women might ask themselves: why should I take all of that on?

Another important factor is partnership.

We often hear discussions about women not wanting children. But we rarely ask whether men want children. Perhaps some men are not particularly interested in becoming fathers either. And perhaps some women who would like to have children simply have not found a partner with whom they feel safe building a family.

If you already see that someone is not particularly engaged in shared household responsibilities, it is difficult to expect that they will magically become a highly involved parent once children arrive.

That is why I believe gender inequality and the unequal distribution of care work can certainly be one of the many factors contributing to declining birth rates.

At the same time, we have to acknowledge that this is an extremely complex issue that cannot be solved with a single policy or a single solution.

Ieva: Yes, and I think it’s important to acknowledge that if you ask almost anyone why they choose to have children—or not to have children—you’ll rarely hear just one reason.

Sometimes the answer is simply, „I don’t want to.” And that is a completely valid answer.

But more often, there are many reasons: economic, personal, relational, or based on values and life goals.

That said, I have definitely seen women share that they decided not to have a second child because they were deeply disappointed by their partner’s involvement after their first child was born. They found themselves carrying most of the caregiving responsibilities alone and simply did not want to go through that experience again.

So I’d like to narrow the question a little.

Perhaps not about birth rates in general, but about men’s involvement.

In your opinion, how could we encourage men to become more actively involved in caregiving and raising children? How can we help build partnerships where responsibilities are shared more equally?

Rugilė: I think mutual support can make a huge difference. And by that, I mean not only support from women, but also support between men themselves.

It’s important not to belittle or mock men who devote more time to their families and children. On the contrary, that kind of behaviour should be normalised and seen as completely ordinary.

For example, among our friends, there have been plenty of situations where a father brings his child along when spending time with friends or taking part in activities. It doesn’t always have to be the case that if a man is spending time with friends, the child automatically stays with the mother.

Of course, everyone sometimes needs personal time, and that’s completely normal. But it’s equally normal to bring your child along, spend time together, and include them in your activities.

I think it’s very important to promote the idea of partnership and move away from the belief that a woman’s role is limited to giving birth and raising children.

Men can have a tremendous influence on other men by supporting one another rather than criticising or ridiculing each other. We’ve already discussed this in the context of employers, but it applies much more broadly.

Another important level is the state.

Public policy shapes social norms. A good example is non-transferable parental leave for fathers. It sends a very clear message that fathers’ involvement is not an optional extra—it is a normal and important part of parenthood.

At first, these kinds of policies often face resistance, but over time they become a natural part of everyday life.

If public policy were based on the assumption that only women can care for children, we would struggle even to imagine a different model. That’s why it’s so important that rights, opportunities, and responsibilities belong to both parents.

The same applies to family policies and discussions about child support. The state clearly communicates that a child is the responsibility of both parents. If one parent withdraws from daily caregiving, that does not eliminate their responsibility to contribute to the child’s wellbeing.

So I believe that meaningful change requires action at the personal, community, and governmental levels.

Ieva: I completely agree.

When we talk about family policy or even increasing birth rates, it’s important to think not only about how to encourage people to have children, but also about how to help families raise them.

That means accessible services, flexible working arrangements, support systems for families, and ongoing public education.

As you’ve mentioned several times, a child is the responsibility of two people. Both parents are responsible for the child’s wellbeing and family life.

And now let’s move on to a quick-fire round of questions.

If you had to choose only one option, which do you think would have a greater impact on birth rates: financial support or greater involvement from a partner in caregiving?

Rugilė: If I had to choose just one, I would choose greater partner involvement.

Ieva: Alright, one more quick question.

What would you like to say to Lithuanian politicians who sometimes blame declining birth rates on women having „too much freedom”?

Rugilė: I would probably repeat the slogan we carried during the March 8th demonstration:

„I’ll have children when you educate your sons.”

Ieva: I think that’s a very fitting note to end on.

I promised to speak with you in your many different roles—as a project partner, an expert, and an educator. But today we’ve spent quite a bit of time discussing care responsibilities, gender stereotypes, and their impact on family life.

So let’s pause here and continue the conversation next week.

We’ll be back in your headphones, talking with Rugilė about young people, their views on gender stereotypes and relationships, and how these topics look through the eyes of today’s youth.

Rugilė, thank you so much for today’s conversation.

Rugilė: Thank you, Ieva.

Ieva: And thank you to all our listeners.

We’ll see you again next week on „We Care (Un)Equally.”